Clinging to a rock face, 3800 meters above sea level, I am afraid to look down, I cant see anything above me, I cant go back, I don’t see how I can go forward… time stood absolutely still for what seems like eternity. I cannot remember being so scared in my life. I asked God.. “Just what am I doing here?” And a voice replied.. “This is LOVE”
Chain of Events
It all began early last week when Meline, on of the students of my leadership class said they were going to Mount Aragat and asked if I wanted to go along with them. I NEVER say no to an opportunity to interact more closely with my students, but my experience with HCL in-company programme taught me that I cannot keep pace with others. Progressing at my own pace is something I learnt when I was young, learning Karate despite my asthmatic condition. I have seen my own students surpass me and move on to their Black-belts when I stayed where I was, puffing and panting. So I told my students that I had a breathing problem and I can’t keep pace. If that is ok with them, I said I am game to try. The next day they brought word from their instructor saying that the pressure is low up there and it would not be advisable for someone with respiratory problems to climb the hill. I hid my disappointment, but when you grow up with a handicap, you realize that there are things that people take for granted like breathing…which is sad because being able to breathe normally is really something wonderful.
The next day in class, Arsene asked why don’t I go along. He explained that there would be a van that will take us to the foot of the mountain, where there is a beautiful lake. He said that he himself will probably not go up the mountain and we could sit together at the lake and enjoy the view. That seemed like a wonderful idea, except I had no warm clothes and the temperature had dropped quite a bit even in Yerevan town… Hey, I was supposed to be out of the country before winter!... He promised he would arrange for a jacket and I handed 5000 drams to Meline, the cost of the trek including lunch. We promised to meet at 8:30 am on Saturday, 19.09.2004 at Republic Square, a BEAUTIFUL part of town with fountains and a large open square.
Aragat
Mount Aragat is in the Marz of Aragatsotn ( in Armenia, Marz is an administrative unit, like a state or district ). The Mount has the highest peak in Armenia, which is 4096 meters above sea level. Its about 80 km away from Yerevan. After the delays of picking up people, etc. we drove to the mountain. The route was beautiful with the site of hills with nothing but brown grass on them.. a rare sight in a tropical country like India. I sat near the window transfixed at the unfolding countryside outside. In the van everyone was talking in Armenian and for some reason I didn’t feel left out at all. I was happy to just sit and listen to the conversation. The player on the van played some Armenian pop music which was soft vocal.
We arrived at the lake rather late..at around 10:30 – 11:00 and jackets were passed around. Our team had three professionals lead by the Chief of Armenian Mountain Rescue team. That was reassuring. The Chief, Meline’s friend told her that we will not go for the highest peak and we will try the East Peak which was only 3800m, and that I could give it a shot. He pointed out the peak from where we stood. It didn’t look that difficult. Half way up the mountain, there were patches of snow and I guessed that was the snow-line. I made up my mind not to be a spoil-sport and that I would go as far as the snow line and come back. I also warned them I would be very, very slow. I didn’t tell anyone that I planned to stop at the snow line. Even though I had worn 2 T-shirts under my shirt and they had given me a jacket … which was too small, so I couldn’t close the front…my shoes were ordinary sport-shoes and I was sure that my feet would be wet and freezing if I went above the snow-line.
The Trek
We set off at around 12:00 pm after a sumptuous breakfast of Lavash (Armenian roti…bread), boiled potato, sausages, and tinned sardines ...hmmm delicious. Soon enough the others pulled away from me and I was walking at the back with Aram, one of the professionals who was instructed to stay at the back. I met up with the team once and said that I would walk at my own pace and that the rest of them should move on. The chief told Aram (who spoke about half a dozen English words) that he should stay with me and go along at MY pace. The rest of the team moved on.
When I saw the Chief, Armen, I wondered if mountain rescue Chief was the most romantic of all careers, especially when he is as tall and handsome as Armen. I thought of the movie Vertical Limit with Stallone… that was not the last time I was to think of it.
Breathing
As mentioned before, I am an asthmatic and many people warned me about exertion in a rarefied atmosphere. Early in life, I had promised myself I would never say NO to anything due to my asthma.. many people told me it was a rather unintelligent decision, but I knew I was never going to be cured of asthma, so I had to live life with it. I was not going to let my asthma decide what I can and cannot do. The Chief told me that I could stop whenever I felt that things were difficult. I had taken steroids from the day before in anticipation of this, as well as having brought along my inhaler, so I thought I could push on.
The one thing I quickly realized is that there is a rhythm of breathing and walking as long as the rhythm was in synch, I had surprisingly little breathing problem. In fact I even wondered if the air was really all that rare as they mentioned. Of course I walked slow and took many breaks in between… something I had done all my life. As I walked along I wondered about rhythm not just when climbing a mountain but in life too. I remember reading about rhythm in Pirsig’s Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Maybe each of us has a rhythm that we perform best in. Maybe its different for different people. Maybe its ok to be left behind as the “Group” moves ahead. I realized just how delicate this balance was when I absent-mindedly bit on an apple that Aram gave me. I was shocked at the difference that happened when my rhythm broke. When I bit into the apple while walking, I felt I was drowning, and suddenly I couldn’t breathe… all because I had broken the rhythm! WOW! Its amazing what difference the rhythm made to me. Something I could not explain.
In my mind, I did feel bad about being slow. Not because it proved I am weak, but because it meant that others will be delayed (at some point) because of me. But I also knew there was absolutely NOTHING I could do. I realized that in a strange way it was liberating, knowing that there wasn’t much you could do. Strange, isn’t it? I often find it hard to communicate the idea that sometimes lack of choice could be liberating.
Strategy Shift at the Snow-Line
My first “stretch target” was the snow line. After all, when collective wisdom, including my own told me to stay at the lakeside, the snowline is a stretch. I proceeded slowly towards the target soon enough most of the others vanished from site. The going was not always easy, clambering over rocks were making my feet hurt, but I said I will not stop until I reached the snow-line ...about half way up to the peak. The sense of relief I had when I reached there was enormous and I felt proud that I could achieve the target I had set for myself.
I told Aram to go ahead to the top. I would sit here for sometime and I would go back. Aram told me “You go (pointing to the peak)… I go. You stop, I stop”. I was horrified! I couldn’t even discuss it with Aram because of the language barrier. It is then I used my “other” strategy. This strategy means that I do not set targets for myself. Its something I learned during years of Karate training. When I set my own targets, stretch or otherwise, I am using the limits of your own mind. What if I was WRONG about what can be done and what cannot? I think it’s a wonderful feeling to be proved wrong about your own limits. I know that my Karate master, B. Kuppuswamy showed me that first. So I switched strategies and asked myself if I could put one more step forward? The answer was…it hurts, but I can take one step forward.
To the TOP
The climb started to get rapidly steeper and more difficult. We skirted the patches of snow and walked on the rocks.. UGH! But at the earlier points, the rocks were on a gentle slope so even if they shifted with my weight, it didn’t matter. By the way…why is it that when Aram walks there is no sound of shifting stones, while I sound like an express train as I clambered over the rocks?
After a while, we came to a much steeper slope. But it was grassy and had daisies growing on it and I relaxed, as we moved towards it. Somewhere from above came the Chief’s voice and Aram stopped. He told me, in sign language, that we could not go across the grass and that we had to over stones on what seemed to me.. almost a vertical slope. Even as I write this the next morning, I can still feel the feeling in my stomach and legs as I looked up the impossible slope. I sunk and sat down… and would have cried if I could. Aram told me that the gentle grassy slope was actually treacherous mud mixed with water from melting snow. I looked at the slope again and then imagined stepping on to it and it slipping away under my feet. I looked down to see where I would stop, if that happened. I didn’t have to be told a second time. I resolutely got up and started moving ahead on all fours. Armen kept climbing … or was it walking?.. with two bags on his back.. one was mine. I would have gone on all six, instead of fours, but Armen told me not to put my knees on the loose rock. In tough times Armen gave me a hand and offered a lift up. But somehow I trusted my own two hands rather than Armen who was standing (what looked to me) precariously with two bags. I took his hand where I needed a light touch to balance myself, but would NOT take his hand when I needed to put my weight on it.
Armen told me that we would climb straight to the top and then walk along the top to the peak. The last 100 feet of the climb is not something I want to remember. On reaching the top we found that we could NOT walk to the peak and we had to go around a rock that was blocking our way. Aram climbed down beneath the rock and I followed, then to go around we had to cross a very narrow section, which Aram almost skipped across. I stepped out from relative safety and held on to wherever I could on the rock face. I suddenly remembered that I had fear of heights and had not factored that into the climb. I swore I would NOT look down as I clung to the rock. But found I was too scared to move. There was nothing to it than to hold and wait for it to pass. I could not go back to the place where I had stepped off from, I could only go forward. As I clung resolutely to the rock, I felt a small success in not looking down, as I had promised myself. But the mind plays cruel games. As I was standing there, an image flashed across my mind. Silver Stallone in Vertical Limit, hanging under an over hang as the camera pulls away to show the whole scene. It was a scene that gave me vertigo sitting in my living room, and this was NO place to think of that. But that is exactly what came to mind. For a brief moment I felt faint... feeling my consciousness slipping, but I brought it back and my mind came back from the TV screen to the rock face in front of me. For a few moments I tried to focus on the rock alone, seeing its designs cracks wondering how old it could be, all of this while I stood completely motionless. I felt the panic ease in me and I stepped forward into safety. But now breathing was difficult and my pace had changed I would take five steps and then stop to catch my breath… literally five steps. What looked like a gentle and easy slope to the peak was interminable. Then I saw the chief coming down towards me. I thought that the team was on its way back. He came down and started walking up with me. The first thing he said is “Dr. Fenn, you are a man of great character.” I could only guess at what he was saying… obviously not talking about my interpersonal or leadership skills. But I did learn an important lesson about leadership. I guess the most important lesson is about leading yourself to do things that surprise yourself. I did not go to climb a mountain on Sunday, I went to spend time with my students and their friends who had joined us. On my own I would NEVER sign up for a mountain climbing session or even a trek on anything more than gentle rolling hills.
As I reached the top the whole gang cheered. Everyone talked at once and I could only take in bits and pieces of the conversation. What I could gather is that climbing Aragat is something like a pilgrimage. They said EVEN all Armenians haven’t climbed Aragat, the first thing that came to my mind is that all Armenians are supposed to climb the mountain? I later found out that it was an “Armenian” thing to do, to climb the mountain. One of the girls..who were NOT part of my class and who has never talked to me earlier, came up and said “you know, you are probably the ONLY person from your country who has climbed Aragat, and you should be proud of that!”. I had not realized that I was taking part in some cultural ritual, but I am GLAD I did. Armen(The Chief) took me to take a look around the peak and told me about his work and how he comes here during the worst weather to just see if he could rescue someone if he needed to.
The Mountain Men
“The way I look at it, you only live once, and when you are alive you do what you want to do!” Armen told me as he looked down a steep cliff on the other side of the peak. As I mentioned earlier, I think that mountain rescue is about as adventurous and as romantic as it gets. But I wondered about these men. They have been here on the mountain so many times.. it is their JOB! They must be bored with the views that quite literally took my breath away! I could not have been more wrong! The guy who walked down with me stopped every now and then to take a look at the mountain and said just one word “beautiful”. He also stopped to look at rock formations and plants that grew there each time saying “beautiful”. I realized that you can go to a mountain everyday and still say “beautiful” from your heart.
I made a wish that I could live a life where everyday I can say “beautiful” to at least something, however small it maybe... even if I am the ONLY person who thinks it is beautiful.
Photographs
Having been up the mountain, I realized why I see so few photographs of mountains and their beauty. To capture anything of its beauty I will need a camera that can pan 360 degrees one axis and about 180 degrees. Even then I would never capture the full beauty of the panorama. I have taken pictures and I will put them up online sometime. But I learnt that mountains are an unusually tough subject for photography.
Saying Goodbye
I reached the base about 45 minutes after everyone else reached. The food tasted GOOD. I never knew that food was something to “write home about” during a trek. As the sunset, the temperature dropped even further. My feet had blisters and my muscles were tired, but it was an experience I will never forget. The weather was perfect for the mountains. There was some snow, some fog and quite a bit of bright sunshine too. My friend, Aragat had taught me many unforgettable things. As I left the lake in the bus, I knew that I would never forget Aragat as long as I live.
Post Script
The van soon warmed up as we travelled along and we took off our jackets, people were once again laughing and talking around me as we moved homewards by about 8:20 PM. Just as my muscles relaxed the van stopped near a ruined castle and a church… near is not the word since we had to go down a bit again on a small trail…and walk again. This time it was torture to get my feet to move again. The cold air did make it difficult to walk again. But it was worth it to see the castle against the twilight sky and a moon above. That is the last image of a memorable day that I take back with me.